ISABELLE C. HAU | LOVE TO LEARN
MY VISION:
RELATIONAL INTELLIGENCE
What is relational intelligence?
And Why It May Matter More Than IQ in the Age of AI
​We often celebrate intelligence as the great human advantage — our ability to reason, analyze, and compute. In schools, it’s what we test for. In the workplace, it’s what we reward. And yet, as artificial intelligence begins to outpace us in many of these cognitive domains, a different kind of intelligence is quietly emerging as essential for our future: relational intelligence.
​
Relational intelligence is our capacity to connect — deeply, authentically, and constructively — with other people. It includes our ability to read emotional cues, build trust, hold space for others, repair ruptures, and collaborate across differences. Where traditional intelligence is about solving problems, relational intelligence is about sustaining relationships — and increasingly, it’s becoming a survival skill in a world of rising disconnection.
The Science Behind the Connection
Neuroscience tells us that our brains are wired for relationship. From infancy, human development depends on the presence of attuned caregivers. A child’s ability to learn, to regulate emotions, to develop resilience — all of it is scaffolded by the quality of early relational experiences. Our brains grow in relationship. Love, it turns out, is not just poetic. It’s biological.
​
But relational intelligence isn’t limited to the early years. Adults, too, thrive when embedded in strong, meaningful social networks. Researchers have found that close relationships are the single most reliable predictor of long-term health and well-being — more than income, more than genetics. Harvard’s 85-year-long Study of Adult Development concludes: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
​
So why are we so relationally impoverished?
The Human Intelligence That AI Can’t Replace
​​
In the age of artificial intelligence, relational intelligence is one of the few domains where humans still — and perhaps will always — hold the upper hand. Machines may mimic empathy, but they do not feel. They may simulate presence, but they do not show up in the messy, complex, vulnerable ways that real human relationships demand.
​
As AI takes over more technical tasks, what becomes scarce is not information, but connection. What’s needed is not just smart machines — but wise humans who know how to care.
​
Imagine if we educated for relational intelligence with the same fervor that we teach math or coding. Imagine if schools measured belonging as rigorously as they do test scores. Imagine if companies promoted managers not only for productivity, but for empathy and psychological safety. Imagine if we designed technology not to replace human connection, but to deepen it.
​
In a world where machines are everywhere but meaning is scarce, it’s our relationships that shape how we learn, lead, and thrive.
The Loneliness Paradox​​​
​We are living through a paradox of hyper-connectivity and social fragmentation. The average person has more digital “friends” than ever, yet loneliness rates are skyrocketing. Among teenagers, loneliness has more than doubled over the past decade. Among adults, the U.S. Surgeon General has called loneliness an “epidemic,” equating its health risks with smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
​
Meanwhile, technology is stepping in to meet the need. AI chatbots now provide companionship. Emotional support robots are being marketed for the elderly. In a 2024 survey, the top use case for generative AI was not search, but therapy. We are increasingly turning to machines for what we once found in each other.
Which raises a provocative question: Is artificial love better than no love at all?
Learning Is Relational
In my work with educators and parents, I often return to a simple truth: children learn in relationship. So do adults. Whether it’s a toddler exploring language or a college student wrestling with identity, learning unfolds in the presence of people who care. Content matters, yes — but connection is the catalyst.
​
The philosopher Martin Buber once wrote, “All real living is meeting.” In an age of algorithms, this insight may feel quaint. But it might be the most radical and necessary idea of our time.
Because when all is said and done, intelligence is not just what you know. It’s how you relate.